A daft short play, written for challenge 4 of Theatre Deli's "28 Plays Later"!
By Holl Morrell. An adaptation of “The Honest Woodcutter”.
Lass - Honest. Has broad Yorkshire accent. Gay.
Fairy - Magnificent. Also gay.
Bitch - Cleavage. Long false nails. Bitchy.
A Yorkshire lass is ambling along next to the river, on her phone.
VOICEMAIL: You’ve reached the Vodafone voicemail service. Please leave your name and number after the tone. [Beep]
LASS: Ay up mate, it’s on’y me, just lettin’ yer know me phone’s broke, so this is me number till I can get a new un. ‘A’nt got no dosh at t’ moment like...
The lass trips over a tree root and her phone falls into the river.
LASS: Bloody ‘ell! Can’t look after owt can I? What a stupid chuffin’...
A magnificent shining fairy rises out of the river.
LASS: F*** me!
The fairy looks at the lass admiringly and raises her eyebrows.
FAIRY: Maybe later... Did you just drop something?
LASS: Aye, me phone! It’ll be soppin’ wet now though, won’t it.
FAIRY: No gorgeous, I’m a magic fairy, aren’t I? It’s dry as a bone. Is this your phone?
The fairy show the lass a Samsung phone.
LASS: Oh no! I mean thanks and everythin’ but that’s defo not my phone. It’s quite nice that. Someone else’ll be tearin’ their ‘air out looking for it.
FAIRY: Oh - well I think I found another one. Hang on.
The fairy slides down into the water, then returns with another phone.
FAIRY: Here you are! This must be your phone.
LASS: That’s the latest iPhone! With a rose gold cover!
FAIRY: Very fancy.
FAIRY: Is it yours?
LASS: No love, that’s not mine either. Mine’s just a crappy old Nokia that I got from Tesco cos me old phone broke.
FAIRY: Are you sure this isn’t yours? I don’t think there are any others down there.
LASS: Yeah mate. Don’t be worrying about it, I need ter get a proper one anyway. Be reet.
FAIRY: You’re so honest. I won’t lie; it’s rather attractive...Here. Have the Samsung AND the iPhone. As a reward for your honesty.
LASS: Mate..I don’t know what ter say! Yer a top fairy you.
The fairy hands over the phones.
FAIRY: Can I have your number?
LASS: Well I don’t know it yet, yer daft sod. Why don’t yer meet me at Nando’s on Friday at seven?
FAIRY: It’s a date.
The fairy blows the lass a kiss and disappears back into the river.
The lass goes on her way, extremely pleased with herself. She uses one of the new phones to dial a number.
BITCH: Ay up lass!
LASS: Ay up bitch! Did yer get me voicemail?
BITCH: Not yet.
LASS: Well, dunt bother. Av got a brand new iPhone!
BITCH: How did you manage that?
LASS: Well I dropped it in’ river, but this fairy rose up out o’ water like, and she gave me this new one instead o’ crappy one I dropped in!
BITCH: Have you been at the wacky backy again?
LASS: No mate, straight up, I swear that’s wot ‘appened!
The bitch wanders down by the river, talking to herself.
BITCH: That lass had better not be having me on.
She chucks her phone into the river, then puts her hands up to her face like in the scream painting.
BITCH: Oh no! Woe is me, for I have lost my phone!
The magnificent fairy rises from the river.
BITCH: [Genuine astonishment] F*** me!
FAIRY: Well I’ve already got a date on Friday, see how that goes first.
As she speaks, the bitch bats her eyelashes and does her best to look alluring.
BITCH: Fairy, I’m so sad. I dropped my phone in the river.
FAIRY: Oh yes, I did find a phone. Is this it?
The fairy shows the bitch a dry Samsung phone.
BITCH: Er. No, it was an iPhone.
The fairy goes back down into the river and comes back with an iPhone.
FAIRY: This one?
BITCH: Yes, that’s mine!
The fairy turns glowing red.
FAIRY: Bitch, please... I think you know that’s not your phone. THIS is your phone!
The fairy hands the bitch her own dripping wet phone back.
BITCH: Well that’s just shit! What sort of a fairy are you?
FAIRY: The sort that appreciates honesty!