A daft short play, written for challenge 4 of Theatre Deli's "28 Plays Later"! By Holl Morrell. An adaptation of “The Honest Woodcutter”.
Characters: Lass - Honest. Has broad Yorkshire accent. Gay. Fairy - Magnificent. Also gay. Bitch - Cleavage. Long false nails. Bitchy. Scene 1 A Yorkshire lass is ambling along next to the river, on her phone. VOICEMAIL: You’ve reached the Vodafone voicemail service. Please leave your name and number after the tone. [Beep] LASS: Ay up mate, it’s on’y me, just lettin’ yer know me phone’s broke, so this is me number till I can get a new un. ‘A’nt got no dosh at t’ moment like... The lass trips over a tree root and her phone falls into the river. LASS: Bloody ‘ell! Can’t look after owt can I? What a stupid chuffin’... A magnificent shining fairy rises out of the river. LASS: F*** me! The fairy looks at the lass admiringly and raises her eyebrows. FAIRY: Maybe later... Did you just drop something? LASS: Aye, me phone! It’ll be soppin’ wet now though, won’t it. FAIRY: No gorgeous, I’m a magic fairy, aren’t I? It’s dry as a bone. Is this your phone? The fairy show the lass a Samsung phone. LASS: Oh no! I mean thanks and everythin’ but that’s defo not my phone. It’s quite nice that. Someone else’ll be tearin’ their ‘air out looking for it. FAIRY: Oh - well I think I found another one. Hang on. The fairy slides down into the water, then returns with another phone. FAIRY: Here you are! This must be your phone. LASS: That’s the latest iPhone! With a rose gold cover! FAIRY: Very fancy. LASS: Totes. FAIRY: Is it yours? LASS: No love, that’s not mine either. Mine’s just a crappy old Nokia that I got from Tesco cos me old phone broke. FAIRY: Are you sure this isn’t yours? I don’t think there are any others down there. LASS: Yeah mate. Don’t be worrying about it, I need ter get a proper one anyway. Be reet. FAIRY: You’re so honest. I won’t lie; it’s rather attractive...Here. Have the Samsung AND the iPhone. As a reward for your honesty. LASS: Mate..I don’t know what ter say! Yer a top fairy you. The fairy hands over the phones. FAIRY: Can I have your number? LASS: Well I don’t know it yet, yer daft sod. Why don’t yer meet me at Nando’s on Friday at seven? FAIRY: It’s a date. The fairy blows the lass a kiss and disappears back into the river. Scene 2 The lass goes on her way, extremely pleased with herself. She uses one of the new phones to dial a number. BITCH: Ay up lass! LASS: Ay up bitch! Did yer get me voicemail? BITCH: Not yet. LASS: Well, dunt bother. Av got a brand new iPhone! BITCH: How did you manage that? LASS: Well I dropped it in’ river, but this fairy rose up out o’ water like, and she gave me this new one instead o’ crappy one I dropped in! BITCH: Have you been at the wacky backy again? LASS: No mate, straight up, I swear that’s wot ‘appened! Scene 3 The bitch wanders down by the river, talking to herself. BITCH: That lass had better not be having me on. She chucks her phone into the river, then puts her hands up to her face like in the scream painting. BITCH: Oh no! Woe is me, for I have lost my phone! The magnificent fairy rises from the river. BITCH: [Genuine astonishment] F*** me! FAIRY: Well I’ve already got a date on Friday, see how that goes first. As she speaks, the bitch bats her eyelashes and does her best to look alluring. BITCH: Fairy, I’m so sad. I dropped my phone in the river. FAIRY: Oh yes, I did find a phone. Is this it? The fairy shows the bitch a dry Samsung phone. BITCH: Er. No, it was an iPhone. The fairy goes back down into the river and comes back with an iPhone. FAIRY: This one? BITCH: Yes, that’s mine! The fairy turns glowing red. FAIRY: Bitch, please... I think you know that’s not your phone. THIS is your phone! The fairy hands the bitch her own dripping wet phone back. BITCH: Well that’s just shit! What sort of a fairy are you? FAIRY: The sort that appreciates honesty! The End.
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5 days into February, and I've chosen to disqualify myself from Theatre Deli's "28 Plays Later" (who on Earth can keep up with those deadlines? These must be people without jobs, lives, or theatre companies), but I'm still ploughing on through the tasks, albeit at a more leisurely rate than those still in the running.
My first and only on-time play was on the "Brave little soldier" theme. As a generally peaceful sort, I instantly hated this prompt. So I chose to use the phrase in a way that had absolutely nothing to do with any sort of soldier. Instead, my protagonist orders a cocktail called "Brave Little Soldier" and lets himself in for an experience he'll remember for the rest of his life (not necessarily in a good way). The second prompt was to be inspired by something outside. Starting with trams and the daily commute to work, my mind wandered to the co-working spaces used by self-employed people. I imagined what it would be like if remote working became more commonplace, and these co-working spaces were used routinely by people in ordinary employment too. The play moved on to themes of different communities banding together to co-work, and the effect this self-segregation could have on society in the wake of Trump and Brexit. This piece, I feel, has possibilities for further development, and indeed, I'm adapting it for a possible scratch night coming up soon. My third play was meant to be surreal. Well, I tried! This one had huge elements of truth in it, with my character basically being a self-insert (we've all done it, right?). She communicates with various elements in nature, because she has learnt not to trust humans any more. Falling through the sky and landing on the bottom of the ocean, she is surrounded by the voices of her friends as they betray her, over and over. Stones pile up around her and keep out the sunlight as she chokes on the thick oozing mud of betrayal. Finally she breaks free, paddling towards the shore on a rubber dinghy, trusting only herself and the elements to guide her to a better future. I haven't tackled the fourth yet, which is meant to be an adaptation of...something. I'm considering doing a modern version of a fairy tale (I quite like the idea of weaving several together, actually). For now, though, I need to concentrate on the material for the scratch night, and Lioness things - also a couple of job applications over in - dun dun DUR - West Yorkshire. Is it far enough away? Well it's a start, Bob, and I'll take it if I can get it. A great deal has happened since my last blog post. Indeed, a great deal happened between the lines of my last blog post, but one has to stay professional and make the best of things. I said in my very first post about Blowfish that my future involvement was not certain, because deep down I knew even then it was not likely to continue forever. I wanted it to continue, but it simply wasn't sustainable unless certain important things changed, and change they did not. It has been frankly devastating to come to terms with the loss of a project and social circle that filled my every waking moment for well over a year. I worked extremely hard to get that company off the ground - disregarding my own health and sanity to do it - and I hope it continues in the upward trajectory that I helped to set for it. I also hope that, as I assess my own mistakes and try to improve for the future, core members of Blowfish will also do the same. Since leaving, I have had some very dark times but I've also set some hopeful plans in motion for the future. Teaming up with another former member of Blowfish, the inimitable Liz "Gove" Kearney, we have formed our own theatre company called Lioness. Since September, we've come up with a theatre show that blends historical and scientific fact with humour and song. It focuses on the life of Charles Goodyear, an inventor who changed the world but lost sight of the ones he loved the most. We now have a full-length draft of the script and ten songs, which we recently showcased parts of at Brewery & Tap in Doncaster. Now we're ready to recruit more actors, and to start applying for festivals. We've also been offered some performance opportunities as a result of the showcase, which went down very well and resulted in feedback which was both positive and useful.
As well as founding Lioness Theatre, I've also been dipping my toes in other projects. After joining the Open Exchange network run by the Royal Exchange Theatre in Manchester, I was approached by two groups wanting a composer and sound designer for an opportunity taking place there in February. One of the groups was shortlisted for the opportunity, but sadly didn't get through. Still, both projects look set to continue anyway, and I've also been offered a further opportunity for the week that I would have been in Manchester, had the group been successful. This new opportunity is a scratch night for new writers, taking place in Bradford. Since they want a particular theme, I need to write something for them very quickly, so I'm not sure if I can manage this challenge or not, but I'll certainly try. I'm also taking part in Theatre Deli's "28 Plays Later" challenge, which prompts writers to write a new short play each day for 28 consecutive days in February. The chances of my getting through the first few days (let alone the whole month) are miniscule, but I'm just seeing it as a bit of fun and a prompt to practise my writing skills. In other news, I've been asked to work as a sound designer for a project as part of this year's SheFest in Sheffield, which runs in March. It'll be a quick turnaround, so I hope I can rise to the challenge! I was also pleased to be asked to help curate an event for Right Up Our Street in Doncaster, but sadly it would have clashed with plans for Lioness, so I had to turn this down. I did offer a list of contacts and some advice though, which I hope will be useful. Doing all this alongside my other work at the University of Sheffield is becoming increasingly difficult, and I'm beginning to learn that I need to say no to some projects. There are also other problems at the University. Because there are Blowfish associations there, it is not fun to work in constant fear of who I might bump into. I'm currently considering whether it's healthy for me to continue my work there. It would be an awful shame to give up an excellent job, doing something I love, surrounded by a great team in a beautiful city. But I cannot shake the trauma of the summer's events. As much as it pains me, I think I might need to cut ties with Sheffield and accept that I will never, ever understand what motivates certain people to act as they do. I realise that, for readers out of the loop, I'm not being very specific here, but it was never my intention to hurt Blowfish and it still isn't. I'm grateful for the opportunities I was given, and I'm ultimately glad to have left, but I just wish it had ended differently. |
Hollie's website has moved over to www.hollmorrell.uk. This site will now be maintained as a blog only.
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