A daft short play, written for challenge 4 of Theatre Deli's "28 Plays Later"! By Holl Morrell. An adaptation of “The Honest Woodcutter”.
Characters: Lass - Honest. Has broad Yorkshire accent. Gay. Fairy - Magnificent. Also gay. Bitch - Cleavage. Long false nails. Bitchy. Scene 1 A Yorkshire lass is ambling along next to the river, on her phone. VOICEMAIL: You’ve reached the Vodafone voicemail service. Please leave your name and number after the tone. [Beep] LASS: Ay up mate, it’s on’y me, just lettin’ yer know me phone’s broke, so this is me number till I can get a new un. ‘A’nt got no dosh at t’ moment like... The lass trips over a tree root and her phone falls into the river. LASS: Bloody ‘ell! Can’t look after owt can I? What a stupid chuffin’... A magnificent shining fairy rises out of the river. LASS: F*** me! The fairy looks at the lass admiringly and raises her eyebrows. FAIRY: Maybe later... Did you just drop something? LASS: Aye, me phone! It’ll be soppin’ wet now though, won’t it. FAIRY: No gorgeous, I’m a magic fairy, aren’t I? It’s dry as a bone. Is this your phone? The fairy show the lass a Samsung phone. LASS: Oh no! I mean thanks and everythin’ but that’s defo not my phone. It’s quite nice that. Someone else’ll be tearin’ their ‘air out looking for it. FAIRY: Oh - well I think I found another one. Hang on. The fairy slides down into the water, then returns with another phone. FAIRY: Here you are! This must be your phone. LASS: That’s the latest iPhone! With a rose gold cover! FAIRY: Very fancy. LASS: Totes. FAIRY: Is it yours? LASS: No love, that’s not mine either. Mine’s just a crappy old Nokia that I got from Tesco cos me old phone broke. FAIRY: Are you sure this isn’t yours? I don’t think there are any others down there. LASS: Yeah mate. Don’t be worrying about it, I need ter get a proper one anyway. Be reet. FAIRY: You’re so honest. I won’t lie; it’s rather attractive...Here. Have the Samsung AND the iPhone. As a reward for your honesty. LASS: Mate..I don’t know what ter say! Yer a top fairy you. The fairy hands over the phones. FAIRY: Can I have your number? LASS: Well I don’t know it yet, yer daft sod. Why don’t yer meet me at Nando’s on Friday at seven? FAIRY: It’s a date. The fairy blows the lass a kiss and disappears back into the river. Scene 2 The lass goes on her way, extremely pleased with herself. She uses one of the new phones to dial a number. BITCH: Ay up lass! LASS: Ay up bitch! Did yer get me voicemail? BITCH: Not yet. LASS: Well, dunt bother. Av got a brand new iPhone! BITCH: How did you manage that? LASS: Well I dropped it in’ river, but this fairy rose up out o’ water like, and she gave me this new one instead o’ crappy one I dropped in! BITCH: Have you been at the wacky backy again? LASS: No mate, straight up, I swear that’s wot ‘appened! Scene 3 The bitch wanders down by the river, talking to herself. BITCH: That lass had better not be having me on. She chucks her phone into the river, then puts her hands up to her face like in the scream painting. BITCH: Oh no! Woe is me, for I have lost my phone! The magnificent fairy rises from the river. BITCH: [Genuine astonishment] F*** me! FAIRY: Well I’ve already got a date on Friday, see how that goes first. As she speaks, the bitch bats her eyelashes and does her best to look alluring. BITCH: Fairy, I’m so sad. I dropped my phone in the river. FAIRY: Oh yes, I did find a phone. Is this it? The fairy shows the bitch a dry Samsung phone. BITCH: Er. No, it was an iPhone. The fairy goes back down into the river and comes back with an iPhone. FAIRY: This one? BITCH: Yes, that’s mine! The fairy turns glowing red. FAIRY: Bitch, please... I think you know that’s not your phone. THIS is your phone! The fairy hands the bitch her own dripping wet phone back. BITCH: Well that’s just shit! What sort of a fairy are you? FAIRY: The sort that appreciates honesty! The End.
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